Tennis Club Hosts First Artificial Parts Tournament

In a bionic battle of and for the ages, Hips, Implants & Left Knees bested Shoulders, Eyes & Screws, Knees & Backs,and Plates, Mesh, Toes & More Knees at the late last month.

The occasion was the club’s first-ever Artificial Parts Tournament, featuring “26 of the club’s most artificial members duking it out on four teams for titanium bragging rights,” according to the club’s newsletter. The March 25 event was the brainchild of longtime members Harvey Klyce and Gary Burke.

“We couldn’t believe the turnout,” said 67-year-old Klyce, who has a 9-year-old left artificial hip and a 5-month-old right artificial hip. “We thought we were going to have to recruit people, but they all just jumped at the chance.”

The club, which has approximately 200 members for tennis, hosts tournaments all the time, including one on Groundhog Day, an election-oriented “Vote, Volley and Vent” tourney and the upcoming Kentucky Derby team tennis battle, in which the winning team gets to pick first on the horses in that legendary horse race in early May.

But Klyce said the Artificial Parts Tourney was one to behold, with teams battling for the prized APT Ibuprofen Cup (pictured at right).

The last team standing—literally and figuratively speaking—was Hips, Implants & Left Knees, which consisted of Jim Tighe, Jeff Hicks, Susan McShannock, Phil Fisher, Audre Schou and Erick Steinberg.

A number of awards were handed out, including:

• Best Limp (Jeff Hicks and Steve Bryant)
• Most Artificial Parts (Eric Crowe)
• Best Scar (Judy Evans)
• Most Meds (Bobby Hines)
• Most Operations (Ann Leake)
• Least Stoic (David Steinhart)
• Honored APT Spectators (and future players): Judy Evans, Chris Morgan, Dennis Fisco, Scott Caldwell.

“We’ll do it again for sure,” Klyce said.