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Alcatraz to Re-Open as Golden Gate Correctional Facility

After reviewing a bill passed by the California legislature on Tuesday, California Governor Jerry Brown remarked publicly that he is "seriously, truly considering" penning his approval for a proposed renovation of historic Alcatraz.  The bill proposes the transfer of the island's ownership from the State of California to Geogroup, one of the largest for-profit prison corporations in the world, and sets forth extensive plans for retrofitting the dilapidated facility and converting it into a Level IV maximum security prison in an effort to address California's ongoing prison overcrowding crisis.

"Believe it or not," said spokeswoman Veronica Dunleavy.  "The House has spoken.  The Senate has spoken.  Governor Brown has made it very clear that realignment has not fully resolved overcrowding.  The simple truth is that California's prison's need more beds.  And Geogroup can build those beds.  They've got a great track record and California simply lacks the funds."

"Golden Gate Correctional Facility has a fresh feel to it," said Dunleavy about the facility's new name.  "It invokes the locality of the place.  The concept of a 'gate' is also particularly applicable to the rehabilitative function of prison as a place where you come and then leave as a different person."

Geogroup's proposal outlines plans for a Level IV mainline yard, a smaller reception center for new arrivals, and an expanded condemned facility to ease the crowded "death row" at San Quentin, just north of Alcatraz in Marin County.

The new death row chamber at Golden Gate Correctional Facility, according to the proposal, will be west-facing with paneled windows providing a view of the Golden Gate Bridge and the Pacific ocean beyond.  Spokeswoman Dunleavy described this architectural decision as a "humane" move designed to address complaints from condemned convicts and staff alike at San Quentin that the execution chamber there is "pretty gloomy, kind of an anti-Hospice". 

The proposal's popularity in the House and Senate has been met with staunch opposition by many residents of Marin and San Francisco.  Residents of both counties gathered on Alcatraz Island yesterday to protest the proposal, holding signs and using megaphones to broadcast their objections to the planned construction of the new prison. 

"Of course there's romance to Alcatraz," remarked Doug LeConte, who brought his children to the protest.  "You know, Al Capone, et cetera.  But this is 2014.  And the Al Capones are different now.  And we don't feel that it's in the public's best interest to have more of these guys looming around the Bay Area, however secure the prison is.  We've already got San Quentin.  That's bad enough.  Send them out of state.  Build the prison elsewhere.  Keep it off our bay.  It's just going to be a real bummer to have to look at that every day."

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April Fools!!!  *The author of this post has been asked by Patch editors to state on this page that the above article is satirical and does not contain facts.*

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